Cari's Story

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Growing up, I watched my mom get beat by my dad. He was always drunk, and he would beat her. I would watch them fight all the time, and you know, I thought that was the way to live. I thought that was respect. My dad left while I was still young. My mom would physically and emotionally abuse me. She told me that I was ugly and stupid. There were times when I would get pulled by my hair across the room for no reason, but because she was angry. There were times when I would get pushed in the tub and get the back of my head cut from hitting the sink.

While growing up, I started doing drugs. I started drinking at a very young age—about eight. While I was in fifth grade, I had my first smoke of marijuana. While growing up, I was a very angry kid. I never talked to anybody. I hated God. Every time I heard about God, the Bible, and everything, I was just angry. There’s a point where I actually burned a Bible. I would put every Christian down. I’d say, “You know, don’t talk to me. Don’t ever tell me about anything, because I hate God.” I used to talk to God and say, “You know, I hate You.”

I always wanted a father in my life. My sisters and I didn’t grow up with a dad, and I always longed for that. One of the things that scared me ever since I was a little kid was, “You’re nothing. You were created for nothing. You’re going to die. You won’t make it.” That’s all I heard growing up.

When I got into high school, I joined a gang to feel accepted by someone. I wanted to feel love from someone because I never got accepted by my mom or my dad. Then I started selling drugs. I sold them to little kids because all I thought about was money. I was selling drugs and fighting, and I thought it was the way to live life.

My mom met this guy and I looked at him as a dad. I was like, “Finally, I have a dad. I finally have someone to talk to.” By the age of 16, I was molested by him. That day I felt like he took my life. He took everything. I didn’t want to ever live again. I wanted to kill myself. I felt empty, disgusted, worthless, angry, scared, and with so much fear. I cried every night wanting someone to save me from the pain.

One evening I was home alone, and I had my grandpa’s gun. I said, “You know what? I am created for nothing. I am nothing.” I had the gun to my head and I said, “This is it. I don’t want to live this life with all the pain that I have.” There was a lot of shame that I had from being molested. I sat there and I completely hated God. I said, “Jesus, I don’t know who You are. Even though I hate You, I need Your help.” When I called out to Jesus, I finally found that peace that I always wanted. I asked Him into my life and I dropped the gun and I said, “No, I’m created for something.” I asked God to take the pain away and He did.

My mom blamed me for the abuse and it hurt so much, but that was gone only by God. From then on, the pain that I had from being beaten by my mom, from being molested, and from just wanting that love from someone was lifted off of me.

Each and every one of us is created for something. I didn’t understand that. I hated God and I hated everything. I found out that from everything that I’ve tried—drugs, gangs, and everything—Jesus was the only thing that gave me hope and the only one I could trust. Now I am able to love my mom and to fully forgive my mom. He has given me love through Him. I am happy to say I am a new creation and the pain is gone. I was fatherless and Jesus became my parent. He teaches me and loves me so much more than anyone ever could.